Resident Evil Idol
by Blue-Eyed-Artist
Summary: Three girls with uber authoress powers have a crazy idea. It's what you get when you mix crazy and boredom on a Saturday afternoon. See your favourite RE gets cheers or end up in tears! Who will win? WE DON'T KNOW!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Resident Evil people. I wish I owned Steve, though

A/N: Yes, it may have been done before, but I hope not like this. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually laugh!

* * *

_Clapping. She could hear clapping. Before she knew it, someone was speaking._

_"That was brilliant! I'm suprised we even have talent in the male section!" cheered a girl next to her with shoulder-length red hair and glasses that highlighted her blue eyes._

_"I thought it was... alright..." said another girl. This one also had red hair and glasses, but she had freckles and greenish-blue eyes. They both turned their heads slowly toward her as the audience simmered down._

_"Well? What did you think of his performance?"_

_"Uh... who?"_

_"How'd I do, judges?" interjected a young man's voice from the stage. She looked up, jaw dropping as she saw-_

_

* * *

_

"SAM?!"

She awoke with a jolt, nearly falling off of the computer chair. Jen and Twinkie's eyes widened in horror.

"You fell asleep again..."

Sam yawned and stretched as she stood up, trying to get the feeling back in her legs.

"Hey, you guys still bored?"

The pair nodded, confused at their friend's behaviour.

"Well... I had a dream, right? And the dream gave me an idea! We could go down to the old abandoned theater... and put on a show!"

"Uh, Sam?" Jen interuppted. "The theater's been closed for a year..."

"And, even if we could get in, it's old and fairly dangerous. We'd be killed in under an hour!"

Sam's eyes lit up as a smirk crossed her lips.

"You guys forget... we have uber authoress powers!"

Twinkie and Jen thought for a minute, then gave each other a look, then looked at Sam, then back at each other.

"What's your idea?"

"You'll see..."

She closed her eyes, and the three dissapeared in three puffs of pink smoke. They re-appeared seconds later in a large stage area, filled with bright lights and lush, red seats.

"Where are we?"

"The old theater! I fixed the place up with the uber authoress powers!"

They two girls stared in complete shock. But, Sam was higher than them on the Uber-ness scale. She'd used her powers more often.

"And now, to bring in our cast!"

* * *

And in a hee-uge cloud of pink smoke, about 20 Resident Evil Characters, dead and alive, appeared in a dark room. The lights flashed on, and the room came to life, leather seats and dressing mirrors in all.

"What... what's going on?!"

"WELCOME, FRIENDS," shouted someone on the PA system. "TO RESIDENT EVIL IDOL!!"

* * *


	2. Chap 2 The Rules

**Chapter 2**

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Resident Evil people. I wish I owned Steve, though . I do own myself, and Twinkie and Jen own themselves.

A/N: Updated! Yes, the first chapter is a little... choppy. No bother! BTW, the 'she has more Uber-ness'... guys, if you're reading? I was joking!

* * *

Three girls stood in the room with the cast, receiving odd, confused looks as welcomes'.

"Resident Evil.. Idol?"

"Yup! Resident Evil Idol! You lucky contestants get to perform for us, onstage, in front of an audience!" Sam began.

"You will pick a song, sing said song, and then we'll judge you! The rest is up to the callers' at home, who will vote for you after your performace!" Jen continued.

"If you win, you get to stay here, and be judged at the end for the prize! If you lose, you'll be put into the audience, and be forced to watch..." Twinkie finished the explaination. All of the cast groaned at the thought of losing and having to watch the rest of them.

"We _only_ want **the** _**best**_!" all three of them cheered, striking their copywrighted poses.

Sam thought for a moment, then gasped. "Wait!!"

She dragged all of the cast, with the exception of three characters, to the side.

"Umm... it cost us a lot of money ( not to mention the use of our Special In-Case-Of-Emergancy Supply of Toasted Breads) to bring these guys back from their dirt naps. Please, don't tell them they were dead, kayz? We don't want to mess around with their perception of reality, now do we?"

When someone raised their hand, Sam glared. "**NO** exceptions."

And with that, the three girls left the room, to set up an audience, and await the first contestant.

* * *

A tall, slim girl, with a microphone in the shape of a star, walked on stage, wearing a pretty short blue dress. 

"Hello, and welcome to the first round of Resident Evil Idol! I'm sure all of you are very excited and eager to hear your favourites' sing their favourite songs! I'm Namoiel, and I'm just as eager as you are, so here's our first contestant..."

* * *

A/N: Short but weird. The characters names will not be used until they perform, kayz? I want to keep my cast list a surprise. -wink- 


	3. Chap 3 Rebecca Chambers

**Chapter 3**

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Resident Evil people. I wish I owned Steve, though. I'm not putting this anymore!!

* * *

"...Rebecca Chambers, singing Everywhere by Michelle Branch!" 

Rebecca, who was given a friendly shove by one of her castmates, walked slowly and nervously onto center stage. Namoiel handed her a small black microphone, and a wash of royal blue light shone down on her as the music started. She gathered up her courage, sighed inwardly, and began to sing.

"Turn it inside out so I can see,  
The part of you that's drifting over me,  
And when I wake you're never there,  
But when I sleep you're everywhere,  
You're everywhere ,  
Just tell me how I got this far,  
Just tell me why you're here and who you are,  
'Cause every time I look you're never there,  
And every time I sleep you're always there..."

Rebecca slowly opened her eyes and smiled, happy with herself, and happy with the audience's facial expressions, which obviously seemed pleased.

"'Cause you're everywhere to me,  
And when I close my eyes it's you I see,  
You're everything I know that makes me believe,  
I'm not alone,  
I'm not alone...

I recognize the way you make me feel,  
It's hard to think that you might not be real,  
I sense it now, the water's getting deep,  
I try to wash the pain away from me,  
Away from me...

'Cause you're everywhere to me,  
And when I close my eyes it's you I see,  
You're everything I know that makes me believe,  
I'm not alone,  
I'm not alone ...

I am not alone,  
Whoa, oh, oooh, oh...

And when I touch your hand,  
It's then I understand,  
The beauty that's within,  
It's now that we begin,  
You always light my way,  
I hope there never comes a day,  
No matter where I go,  
I always feel you so...

'Cause you're everywhere to me,  
And when I close my eyes it's you I see,  
You're everything I know that makes me believe,  
I'm not alone,  
'Cause you're everywhere to me,  
And when I catch my breath it's you I breathe,  
You're everything I know that makes me believe,  
I'm not alone ...

You're in everyone I see,  
So tell me,  
Do you see me?"

There was a pause before the audience began to yell and whistle and cheer. Rebecca laughed a little, looking down at the judges.

"That... was incredible! I've never heard anything like it!" cheered Twinkie, clapping like mad. Jen gave Rebecca a skeptical look.

"Well, I guess if you've heard all the others who've sung this... I'd rate you... 7 out of 10."

"I loved it. Your voice wasn't off-key, but your timing during the second verse was a tiny bit off. Other than that, it was excellent. Well done; you will be judged at the end." came Sam's desicion. The audience started cheering again. Rebecca screeched with joy and ran off-stage to brag. Namoiel walked back on-stage.

"Thanks, Rebecca! Now, give it up for our next contestant, you is ready and willing to get going, heeeeeeeere's..."

* * *

A/N: Yay! First Contestant over with! 


	4. Chapter 4 Alfred Ashford?

**Chapter 3**

Alfred Ashford?!?

A/N: Yeah yeah, I don't own anyone. xDDD

This song is not mine, even if I had to re-write it to fit this.

* * *

"...Alfred and Alexia Ashford singing I'm Too-" Namoiel was cut off by someone running onstage, waving to the camera, and running off stage. "Uh, excuse me... _We're _Too Sexy For _Our _Shirt... by... uh...them?"

Alfred pranced out merrily, tittering as he reached center-stage. He was dressed in his normal attire with a purple dress overtop, lips and eyes painted. Everyone could be heard shuddering, vomiting, or hiding laughter. He took the mic, and cleared his throat, like he was going to give a long speech.

"We're too sexy for our love too sexy for our love

Love's going to leave us..."

"We're too sexy for our shirt, too sexy for our shirt,

So sexy it hurts,

And we're too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan

New York and Japan!"

At that moment, he horrified many people (six who fainted upon the sight, including Sam) by doing a bunch of Micheal Jackson moves while singing.

"And we're too sexy for your party,

Too sexy for your party,

No way we're disco dancing,

We're a model you know what we mean,

And we do our little turn on the catwalk,

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah,

We do our little turn on the catwalk,

We're too sexy for our car, too sexy for our car

Too sexy by far,

And we're too sexy for our hat,

Too sexy for our hat what do you think about that,

We're a model you know what we mean,

And we do our little turn on the catwalk,

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah,

We do our little turn on the catwalk,

We're too sexy for our too sexy for our too sexy for our,

'Cos we're a model you know what we mean,

And we do our little turn on the catwalk,

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah,

We do our little turn on the catwalk,

We're too sexy for our cat, too sexy for our cat,

Poor pussy poor pussy cat

We're too sexy for our love too sexy for our love

Love's going to leave us...

And we're too sexy for this song!!"

He, or she, was finally done. The audience removed all earplugs, fingers, pillows, and puppies from their ears.

"Bloody awful! That was the worst performance I've ever seen! You made my ears want to eat themselves! -1,000,000 out of 10!!" Jen snarled, throwing papers and Sprite bottles at the she-man on the stage.

"Sorry, Alf...Alex... you! It was... just..." Twinkie couldn't even find nice words to put in her sentence. Sam regained conciousness.

"Wow, I just had a horrible dream where Alfred was wearing a dress and singing... and for some reason, there were evil Sprite bottles everywhere..."

Jen and Twinkie gave confused looks to her when the Sprite bottle came flying back and hit Sam on the forehead, causing her to panic.

"NOOOOOO! MY DREAM!! IT'S COMING TRUUUUUUUUE!!! RUNNNNN AWAAAAAAYY!"

Namoiel blinked, watching Alfred/Alexia run off the stage, bawling and trying to calm herself down. "Uh... well... I seriously hope that our next contestant is ready for action! Come on out..."

* * *

A/N: Hope you liked it! If I get at least 1 review, I'll post the next one soon! 


	5. Chapter 5 Ramon Salazar!

**Chapter 3**

**Ramon Salazar**

_A/N: _Hey look! An update! Sorry about this, it might be shorter than other chapters, but I'm really really tired.

* * *

".. Rrrrramon Salazar! He's going to be singing... uh..." Naomiel looked at the paper, bent down to reach the Castellan midget's height, and stuck the paper in front of his face.

"Yes, that's correct." he answered, giving a happy nod.

"Are you positive?"

"Quite. Now, move aside, wench."

Naomiel quickly glared at him, then hurried offstage. The light turned an odd, cheery yellow that made everyone's eyes hurt. The judges put on super-extra-strengh sunglasses just so they could watch. The music came on, and Salazar started humming and hopping on one foot.

" I'm a little teapot short and stout,

Here is my handle, here is my spout!"

Everyone onstage, offstage, in the audience, and around the world felt their jaws drop to the floor.

"When I get all steamed up,

Here me shout!

Tip me over and pour me out!"

He kept hopping on his right foot, repeating lines, and finishing with the electric slide. Every single person in the room either fainted or threw up.

"Uh.. I... well..." Again, Twinkie was unable to find the right words to put into a nice sentence.

"THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE, YOU MADE ME WANT TO RIP OFF MY EARS, EAT THEM, PUKE THEM INTO SOME TINFOIL AND EAT THEM AGAIN!!! ARGGH! I NEED TO GO READ DRARRY!" Jen roared, throwing pens and paper and other objects she could reach at the midget before storming off. Sam just shook her head.

"Err... good effort... but... seriously, that was the most out-of-character thing I've ever seen someone do. NEXT! PLEASE!"

Salazar growled and muttered something in Spanish before storming offstage. Naomiel tittered nervously.

"Well, wasn't he... _something_... anyway, we're gonna take a short break, and when we return, we'll have our next idol-to-be!"

* * *

A/N: See? Short! BUT AREN'T YOU HAPPY I UPDATED? 


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